I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
me after drinking all the wine:
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots