My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
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“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry