Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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There are no pants in heaven.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.