The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
based al yankovic
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there