today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Breaking news:
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms