Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
S/o to @funTweeters .
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*