Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.