date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
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A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?