When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?