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Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
rise and shine we got egg
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
He wanted to make sure😂
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.