Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Noted.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi