Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.