Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
For those that worship cheese..
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee