Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
So sick of all these stupid rules
Go girl power!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page