“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost