Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.