Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
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The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
When someone trying to leave me
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.