How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
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13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Name another movie that mislead you?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
that’s really how it is
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
doing some research