[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.