Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet