Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
so this horse walks into a bar
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?