A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti