My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
You Might Also Like
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Mornin
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…