Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
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KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
you just know somebody鈥檚 being called by their full name right now
I鈥檓 in that magical stage of parenting where I don鈥檛 need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don鈥檛 have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I鈥檓 smart and funny鈥ow do I stay here???
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
me: most people don鈥檛 use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I鈥檓 hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I鈥檒l be a gazillionaire.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he鈥檚 asleep at the bottom.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I鈥檓 leaving you
Her: fine with me, I鈥檒l get the door for you *opens the oven*
Me: it鈥檚 time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don鈥檛 think so
Me: who asked you?!
馃幎Where did you come from?
Where did you go?馃幎Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I鈥檓 ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: I鈥檓 not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
me adding lol on a serious message
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don鈥檛 get old, kids.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.