Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Saw online –
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’