How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!