Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
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My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.