Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
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“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?