EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
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Oh thanks BBC.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My circle of trust is a meatball
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣