Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.