This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
That de-escalated quickly
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.