I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’m giving up ice.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
two people or more is called a problem
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝