[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
sin harder.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…