I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
In case you needed to hear it: