It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
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[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
This probably isn’t good
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes