Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Remember folks 😂
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.