Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
FRED: right
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”