HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
You Might Also Like
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.