Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Are we there yet?…
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting