Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.