Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.