On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Worst Native American name ever.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good