Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”