Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it