the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
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“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.