Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE