pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’