Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.