god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
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Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what