QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Weirdly Wednesday.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.